She came from a wealthy family and at that time my life was falling apart. I was broke, confused, and desperate. I knew she could help me rise again. She is a kind woman, a devoted Christian, the type of woman almost any man would be grateful to have. She prays for me, supports my dreams, believes in me, and tries her best to make me happy.But my heart has never truly belonged to her. She loves me with everything she has, and I accepted her love because it made my life easier. Now I have money, I have stability, and I have achieved far more than I ever imagined. All of this came through her help, yet I have never been able to give her the genuine love she thinks she has from me. She believes we are partners, that we love each other deeply, that we are soulmates. I tell her l love her, I say all the right things, I act like the perfect husband, but none of it comes from a real place. For me, this marriage has always felt like a contract, not a union of hearts.
God truly used her to lift me out of the place I was in, but I only ever focused on what I could gain, not on the love that should have guided our relationship. She has been nothing but good to me, and she deserves a love that matches her sacrifices. I cannot give it to her. Sometimes the guilt hits me, and I wonder if she senses that something is missing, but I force myself to push those thoughts away.
I have even taken drugs to reduce my chances of fathering a child because I do not want to be tied to her permanently. I follow her to pastors, I kneel beside her, and I pretend to be desperate for a child. I even shed tears so the prayers look real. But in my heart I know I do not want children with her. Each time her period comes, she cries and breaks things out of frustration, blaming fate. I watch her suffer, knowing that I am the reason nothing is happening, and the guilt weighs on me like a heavy stone.
There is another woman in my life, a twenty six year old who is beautiful and everything I imagine my ideal partner to be. I daydream about starting over with her. I know that leaving my wife will break her completely, but the idea of a new beginning brings me peace and hope. I feel trapped in a life I never truly wanted, with someone l care about only out of pity. She deserves a man who loves her, not a man who has been pretending for years.
I am writing this because I need to free myself from the weight of pretending. I am tired of living a lie. I want to be honest with myself. I have never loved her, and trying to act like I do has drained my spirit. I am thinking of calculating every amount she ever gave me so 1 can return it. I want to walk away from this marriage because I am exhausted from acting like someone l am not.
This is a real life experience. I just needed to say it out loud.
