Things were going well until we had a little misunderstanding. It was something so insignificant that I don’t remember it anymore. Regardless, it led to our break up.
“The relationship had to end at some point anyway. There was no future for us,” I told myself as I moved on.
As time went on, I met someone new and fell in love with him. He promised me forever. He said we would be a family. I wanted all of that — a wonderful man by my side as we raised our beautiful kids in a loving home. It made it easier for me to let myself go completely.
Now, we have two beautiful children together. It didn’t happen the way I dreamed it but these kids are my everything. I’m doing the best I can to raise them in a loving home. Sometimes it gets hard because I am doing it single-handed.
Oh, their father is alive. He just decided to be irresponsible so we are not together anymore. He is not the reason I am here so I won’t get into all of that. Let’s get back to Eddie, my older man.
We reconnected two years ago. He asked what I had been up to. “Are you married with kids now?”
“No, I never got married but I have one child,” I lied.
I didn’t lie about the marriage part. Only the number of children I have. You see, my secondborn was only three months old at the time. I was having a hard time and needed someone to cushion me financially. I felt he would back off if I told him I just had a baby.
That’s why I lied.
I am not proud to admit it but I have kept this lie going for two years now. When he is coming to see me I hide my last baby with a friend. I feel terrible every time I do this. Sometimes I cry.
My guilt is on two fronts. My child doesn’t deserve to be hidden like a dark secret. It breaks my heart every time I send him away. I also hate that I am lying to this man who keeps talking about marrying me as his second wife so we can have more kids together. I don’t want to do it anymore.
I want to come clean and be free. The problem is that I don’t know how to go about it. Where would I even start from? Besides, I’m not sure how he would take it. What if he leaves me? I need advice on how to have this difficult conversation.
